Copywriting Portfolio

Hachee chachee! These velvet sofas will have the old spirit haunting your pre-war apartment saying, “wow this woman definitely reads books!”

1. This green velvet chaise will have him believe your feminine figure faints every time you definitely totally read Shakespeare’s sonnets.

Umm, equality alert! Bethany has been looking for a feminist sexual partner to reciprocate equally during sex, and it finally happened. Neither of them came. “This is a huge win for women everywhere, and I’m just so thrilled that both of us had an equally mundane experience. This is what the suffragettes fought for.”

Can you tell which of these men is a total smokeshow and which one is just Proteus, the Greek Sea-God shapeshifter luring you out to his kingdom of the sea?

Is this man a blonde hottie with a body? Or the elderly ocean dweller, who reports to Poseidon, changing his wretched face to swindle you into his sea lair?

This woman took matters into her own hands when she bought a dress so ugly that she will never wear, just so the eager sales associate, Martha, would like her. “I didn’t plan on buying anything, but one minute I was browsing and she asked who I was shopping for… the next I had bought everything in a size Medium and signed up for a store credit card.”

Local man, Brad Daniels has been reported saying, “liking The Office Isn’t A Personality.” He continued, “Non-ironically loving an award-winning comedy series doesn’t make you interesting”, he said while snapping for a waitress so he can explain IPA’s to her.

I recently tried Vital Proteins’ Collagen Peptides everyday for two weeks and already see a huge difference in my banking account! With $43 + tax and shipping, and having to reorder every 28 days in order to stay on top of my brand new skin care routine, I can already feel the results of economic stress weighing on me. Amazing!

Bombshell alert! These sexy little numbers will really flaunt your assets while they heave up and down as you attempt to catch your breath from the earth-shattering cry you’re about to do in the middle of the street. 1. This saucy little frock will make the passengers on the local A train feel like they’re watching a Regency Era Drama as snot streams down your blubbering face.

New York, NY - In a whirlwind report today local business woman, Lauren Burman, sent a routine work email with zero exclamation points, smiley faces, or “if that’s okay!”s. “I just can’t figure out what her game is,” asked the coworker in question. “How can I proceed with mundane business affairs if I don’t know she’s happy about it. She must be mad at me.”

Finally some visibility for strong, powerful women. These five decrepit and haunting old crones visit me every night in my slumber to remind me of what a dumb slut I’ve become with age.